When I first stepped onto the plane and identified you as one of my people I was overjoyed. Thoroughly amused by your stories of disgruntled passengers and their futile attempts to bring 8 bags of luggage on a flight, I thought we would be the best of friends. I assumed we would mutually gush over our love of Diet Coke – which would prompt you to give me the whole can instead of the regulation cup – and discuss Lady Gaga’s new outfit choices.

Instead, you turned out to be a mean sassy gay, instead a fun-loving sassy gay. Partway through the flight, I had to go to the bathroom. Though the fasten-seatbelt light was on, I saw numerous individuals get up and flit about the cabin – some even had the audacity to open an overhead luggage bin. I assumed because they committed such acts without even a single word of reproach from you that it was permissible for me to get up and travel the two rows to the back of the airplane to use the bathroom. I didn’t even get all the way out of my seat when you pulled out your sassy judgmental finger, pointed at me, and told me that I am not allowed to get up and that I need to sit back down.  

Ummmm Squeeze Me? In the immortal words of the one miss Brenda Meeks “Umm I paid my money like everybody else up in here, you don’t OWN the theatre”.  I don’t understand where the sudden hateration came from Sassy Gay US Airways Flight Attendant, but it was not appreciated. I understand that I may have been violating federal regulations by getting up, but that is no reason to get all bigigidy in my face. At this point sir I had been traveling for 6 hours and spent $400 on the ticket so at the very least address me in a respectful and appropriate tone.

So I did the only thing that I could do. I waited until you broke out your beverage cart and traversed the aisles to the front of the plane, and then I escaped my seat, and very flamboyantly and sassily walked my ass to the bathroom. In the future, try not to suck at life so hard, and maybe I will not have to defy you in such an obvious manner.  

Love Ginger

 P.S. Could you inform your compatriot to please not run into my elbows every time she passed by my seat. It was rude, unnecessary, and partially done on purpose I believe. Kthanksbye