Last night, some friends and I decided to celebrate a rather long week by emotionally eating our feelings. We felt that the best way to achieve that was through a casino buffet, but not just any casino buffet, the mother of all Reno buffets, the Grand Sierra Resort buffet. Halfway through the night I had the realization that going to this buffet was an event and spectacle in and of itself.

We arrived at the Grand Sierra with much anticipation. Although arriving at 6pm in the evening, the wait still stood at two hours – a marketing ploy to encourage us to gamble I'm sure. The wait outside of this buffet was epic, as if it were outside a large concert hall and a bunch of groupies are anxiously waiting for the band to come outside. We had the inside scoop that if we went and got our free players club card we could get the buffet at reduced cost [$7.77] – so obviously I signed up for one. Now we had our players club card, but still had about an hour and a half to wait, so the next natural step in this whole process is to pretend that you are gambling so you can scam free drinks from the bar. I don't really understand gambling or truly appreciate it. Maybe one day when I have oodles of money or a husband that enjoys watching me gambling away – and most likely loosing his money – than perhaps I will “get gambling”. For now, you can find me hauled up at the Wizard of Oz penny slot machine trying to amass my vast fortune. So after loosing about $15 and getting sufficiently trashed at the bar, our little buzzer went off alerting us that our long awaited dream was about to come true.

As we were sitting at dinner, we started discussing the art of buffets and how there is a lot of tactical strategy involved in the successful completion of a buffet – especially one of this magnitude. So here are a few tips and pointers for the buffet goer to get the most out of your experience.

1. First of all, it is important that you stake out the buffet and quickly contrive a mental map outlining where all the sections are. This allows for quick entry into and quick exit from the buffet with the least amount of traffic. It also helps you avoid any pitfalls or potential traffic jams – AKA the tub of shrimp counter – that might stand in your way.

2. Realize that you can take as many plates/trips as you would like. I know sometimes the sheer amount of food is overwhelming and there is an urge to attempt to fit THE WHOLE FUCKING BUFFET on your plate and end up having a mound of food forming an awkward triangle on your plate. We may be at a buffet where our sole purpose is to indulge in eating tons of food in some hedonistic fashion, but we are still civilized human beings.

3. Don't carbo load too early!!! Buffets are an endurance trial and therefore it is about longevity. Do not load up on bread rolls, pasta salads, and french fries too early in the night. Strategically incorporate your carbs throughout the night.

4. Do not load up on cheap crappy stuff. Clearly you did not come all the way to a buffet to load up on spaghetti and meatballs. If this is the case, then save yourself the $20, mow down on some spaghettios, and stay home. If you are going to a buffet, get your money's worth, and head immediately to the prime rib table. Why would you go anywhere else? Although fruit or a salad may seem like an acceptable side dish to get, invariably though it is a waste of space in your tummy that could be better used as space for prime rib or my three different kinds of potato byproducts.

So here just a few of the tips that I have picked up over my illustrious career of buffet frequenting. There is nothing more delicious or more American than a buffet that takes up three large rooms and offers me 8 different kinds of meat and 3 different potato options.