Does anybody else feel like everyone they know is talking about having kids or are currently pregnant? I feel as if my life has become one giant Babies 'R Us sitcom. Even commericial advertisments on television predominately sell products to help people (1) Not have children (2) Have children (3) Clothe and feed their child (4) Exciting things to do as a nuclear family. I don't hate children, I actually really enjoy babysitting and watching other peoples' children - the operative phrase in that sentence being other people's children. However the thought of having my own give me heart palpitations.

I can barely take care of myself. My co-worker gave me a house plant for my desk that apparently can survive in the most treacherous of conditions; within one month at my desk it was yellowing and dying a slow painful death (3 weeks with Granolafer and the plant has completely recovered). It usually takes an act of God to launch my ass out of bed and greet the day, let alone if I had to get my kids up, ready, and out the door for school. Then I couldn't imagine going to work, picking kids up, taking them to whatever extracurricular activity they - or most likely I - have chosen to participate in and then come home to cook, clean, do laundry and attempt to decompress before repeating said day again, every day .... for 18 years.

Kids are needy, inquisitive - almost to an annoying degree -, and at times irrational. Not that all children are terrible, but the gems are few and far between. Nowadays, I see 6 year olds with iPhonesmouthing off to parents. I see parents attempting to place the onus of raising their children on schools. Schools - due to budget cuts, apathetic teachers, and failing programs and standards - are unable to properly handle and manage the kids lambasting parents for their lack of support and general involvement in the childrens' lives. I see good kids get teased, harassed, and bullied by other children while parents and teachers turn a blind eye or relate some trite generalization such as "boys will be boys" - Eff that, your boy might be like that, but mine would certainly have some class and manners. When the teased kids' parents arrive on the scene wanting retribution, they instead get a PTA meeting where they are told that the bully has been "written up" and get assured it will not happen again. Don't promise things to me that you are incapable of delivering. BTW, what the hell does "written up" even mean? It seems to me, that it is some bureaucratic measure put in place to placate parents, to give them a sense that something is being done. I would not be down with that. First reason it is probably not a good idea for me to have children; I would not be a restrained subdued parent. If somebody bullied or harassed my child, ooooohhhh, hell hath no fury like a gay drag queen mother. I would make the lives of the child, the parents, and the school miserable until I was satisfied that my child - or anybody else's - was safe.

Speaking of safety, though we live in the 21st century, alternative families and lifestyles are sometimes still viewed in a negative light. Part of me would feel guilty for the teasing that my child might have to endure on account of my drag queenary. Another part of me, would relish the opportunity to have that conversation with my child and teach them from an early age that they are amazing, beautiful, and can do anything they want, even become a big old queen like their mamma. Then I would tell them that they are my little prince/princess and that we are royalty. I would always tell my child to never start a fight but never be afraid to finish one - oh you better believe that my children will be going to every karate/ninja class available. If they still get harassed, I would get all dressed up in my Sunday best and go to my child's school, walk right up to the bully, and inform them that if they do not leave my child alone I will take my bedazzled spike heel and shove it so far up their ass they will be coughing glitter for weeks ... another reason I should not be a parent ... apparently you can't say that to people, especially kids.

Part of me has the great desire to be a soccer mom. I would love to get all dressed up, pack a cooler of beers, and go to my child little league games and shout disparaging comments at the opposing team and potentially get into a fight with one of the other moms. I think I would look really cute in a corset that was made to look like a referee's uniform :) Maybe someday I will get my dream of minivans, proms, and family game nights, but for right now I am all too comfortable and happy with me being the only child I need to take care of.