I’m a sexual health educator tasked with educating youth about the potential risks and consequences of engaging in unprotected sex and arming them with the tools that they need to protect themselves should they ever have sex. Working in the state of Nevada, a state leading the nation in unplanned teen pregnancy rates and rates of contraction for STIs/STDs, I believe this work to be important.

The conservative pro-life movement has come out of the woodwork swinging, attempting to dismantle every single medical provision that would work to protect women or give them any semblance of power or control. Congress is currently debating a bill that would reinforce an already existing law allowing medical professionals to legally refuse to give a woman an abortion, even if the operation would save her life. The great and wonderful state of Pennsylvania, touting that it’s the “State of Independence” , looks like it will pass their ironically titled “Women’s Right to Know Act” mandating that woman are shown an ultrasound of their developing fetus to scare, shame and guilt them into reconsidering the option to end their pregnancy. Finally, in the forward-minded state of Mississippi, a “Personhood Amendment” is being introduced to the state’s constitution. This “Personhood Amendment” would ban all abortions, regardless of the situation (rape, incest, etc) but would go above and beyond by banning the morning after pill (used to prevent pregnancy), many forms of hormonal contraception, and some IUDs (inter-uterine devices). To top it all off, the amendment would ban in vitro fertilization. There is even a school in Canada that is granting middle-school aged children extra credit for engaging in anti-choice protesting. The war on reproductive rights is escalating to new and moronic heights.

I have a question for the pro-life moment. I recognize, though don’t agree with, your beliefs that a bundle of cells could and should have the same rights and protections – if not more – than the woman carrying said cells to term and then subsequently taking care of said child for the rest of her life. So if life is so important, so much so that Mississippi is currently defining a “person” to include a fertilized egg, where is the nationwide mandate for prenatal vitamins and preventative care for all pregnant women? Would we then arrest pregnant women who are drinking, smoking, doing drugs or eating unhealthily for they could be putting their child at risk and potentially causing a whole host of life-altering complications for the child. Oh, that might be a little expensive and intrusive for the laissez-faire mentality of Republicans. We wouldn’t want to interfere in the lives of our citizenry; especially if that intrusion costs the government money for social services. Ok, what about the all those teen moms that you valiantly protected, by shaming them into a having a child that they cannot afford nor take care of; are we going to start paying mothers for having children to subsidize their expenses and make sure they can adequately care for their child’s life that we spent so much time and energy saving? No, they wouldn’t do that. Well, let’s at least give that child a world class education that is free of charge. I mean we protected this child’s life didn’t we? Let’s ensure that this child does something beneficial to our society, since we heroically swooped in to save the life of this child and mother. No the pro-life movement would never go for that. How dare education be an accessible right to all? In fact, isn’t the conservative base advocating for funding cuts to the public school system, eliminating teachers’ right to collective bargaining, denying them domestic partnerships or civil unions for them and their partners, and forcing schools to adopt an abstinence-only sexual education curriculum in order to receive much needed Federal funding for supplies?

It seems to me that the pro-life movement cares only up until the point where the child is delivered into world. Once they are sure that the plans of the creepy liberal baby-killers have been thwarted, they leave the mother and child alone, patting themselves on the back for a job well done. They do not care about the resources available to this child (ironic that it is the conservative base diminishing these precious resources), the environment where the child lives – whether that child is born into a house of drugs, alcohol and/or abuse – or what kind of future this child might have. It seems rather contradictory to me. For a political party that cringes at the idea of “big government” and its constant liberal interference into the lives of morally decent tax-paying Christian citizens of America, they seem to want to have complete control over a woman’s reproductive choice and deciding how one should lead their life. Oh that’s right; conservatives believe it is a religious mandate from God to interfere in political manners only if they are relevant to maintaining the core, family-centric values of America. Let’s regulate the gays, the promiscuous abortion-seeking women and those pesky illegal immigrants attempting to steal the jobs that no one wants. However, everyone else living their white, Christian, suburban lifestyle should be allowed to conduct their lives without the government stepping in – whether they have gay scandals, are addicted to prescription pills, or hire illegal workers that they do not pay.             

I hope that this massive spiritual and cultural awakening that I have heard is rumored to happen, will eliminate people’s general stupidity and moronic tendencies. Or …. A portal to an alternate dimension transports them to a land far far away from here could work as well.  

I envision that someday, if and when I decide to have children, my child will invariably come up to me at some point and ask this question. Perhaps my children will be sitting in their history class, their holographic teacher relaying to them stories of Alexander Graham Bell, and all of sudden they will flip through a textbook and see a picture of rotary phone juxtaposed next to a landline. My children will be confused and perplexed about how a society functioned with such antiquated machinery. They will come home and ask their mother, aka me, about these antiques. I will regale them with tales of my childhood; negiotiating and coordinating phone time with the family, the amazing day when my dad decided to invest in TWO phonelines (it really was quite glorious) or when cordless phones were unleashed upon the world. I will tell my children about the first time I took the family cell phone to the mall; it weighed 12 pounds and awkwardly fit in my pocket - my father always tried to convince me to clip it to my belt, and there was no easy way to tell him, that was never going to happen My children will ask "well how didpeople get a-hold of you when you're not home?". I will chuckle at the ridiculousness of the question and smile at their ignorance. I will simply state that "well ... some people had a little device called a pager. where people could leave messages. However more often than not, people would go about their day, not imprisoned by the thought that they might miss a call, checked their messages once a day, and returned peoples' calls at their leisure.

Now there is a general assumption in America that everyone has a cell phone and therefore should be accessible 24/7.  Furthoremore there exists a belief that not only should you be accessible at all times but should you miss someone's phone call or do not return it in a timely manner people take it personal. I do have a feeling that the advances in technology we are seeing in phones is contributing to the downfall of future generations. Between advances in phones, the prominence of reality TV in our society, and foam playgrounds the children of these next generations are growing up believing (1) people and information should be readily accessbile (of course only if you possess the expensive technology to access it), (2) you can become famous and get paid money to do absolutely nothing for the entertainment of others (3) that foam and woodchips are natural and necessary building materials for all structures.

Does anybody else feel like everyone they know is talking about having kids or are currently pregnant? I feel as if my life has become one giant Babies 'R Us sitcom. Even commericial advertisments on television predominately sell products to help people (1) Not have children (2) Have children (3) Clothe and feed their child (4) Exciting things to do as a nuclear family. I don't hate children, I actually really enjoy babysitting and watching other peoples' children - the operative phrase in that sentence being other people's children. However the thought of having my own give me heart palpitations.

I can barely take care of myself. My co-worker gave me a house plant for my desk that apparently can survive in the most treacherous of conditions; within one month at my desk it was yellowing and dying a slow painful death (3 weeks with Granolafer and the plant has completely recovered). It usually takes an act of God to launch my ass out of bed and greet the day, let alone if I had to get my kids up, ready, and out the door for school. Then I couldn't imagine going to work, picking kids up, taking them to whatever extracurricular activity they - or most likely I - have chosen to participate in and then come home to cook, clean, do laundry and attempt to decompress before repeating said day again, every day .... for 18 years.

Kids are needy, inquisitive - almost to an annoying degree -, and at times irrational. Not that all children are terrible, but the gems are few and far between. Nowadays, I see 6 year olds with iPhonesmouthing off to parents. I see parents attempting to place the onus of raising their children on schools. Schools - due to budget cuts, apathetic teachers, and failing programs and standards - are unable to properly handle and manage the kids lambasting parents for their lack of support and general involvement in the childrens' lives. I see good kids get teased, harassed, and bullied by other children while parents and teachers turn a blind eye or relate some trite generalization such as "boys will be boys" - Eff that, your boy might be like that, but mine would certainly have some class and manners. When the teased kids' parents arrive on the scene wanting retribution, they instead get a PTA meeting where they are told that the bully has been "written up" and get assured it will not happen again. Don't promise things to me that you are incapable of delivering. BTW, what the hell does "written up" even mean? It seems to me, that it is some bureaucratic measure put in place to placate parents, to give them a sense that something is being done. I would not be down with that. First reason it is probably not a good idea for me to have children; I would not be a restrained subdued parent. If somebody bullied or harassed my child, ooooohhhh, hell hath no fury like a gay drag queen mother. I would make the lives of the child, the parents, and the school miserable until I was satisfied that my child - or anybody else's - was safe.

Speaking of safety, though we live in the 21st century, alternative families and lifestyles are sometimes still viewed in a negative light. Part of me would feel guilty for the teasing that my child might have to endure on account of my drag queenary. Another part of me, would relish the opportunity to have that conversation with my child and teach them from an early age that they are amazing, beautiful, and can do anything they want, even become a big old queen like their mamma. Then I would tell them that they are my little prince/princess and that we are royalty. I would always tell my child to never start a fight but never be afraid to finish one - oh you better believe that my children will be going to every karate/ninja class available. If they still get harassed, I would get all dressed up in my Sunday best and go to my child's school, walk right up to the bully, and inform them that if they do not leave my child alone I will take my bedazzled spike heel and shove it so far up their ass they will be coughing glitter for weeks ... another reason I should not be a parent ... apparently you can't say that to people, especially kids.

Part of me has the great desire to be a soccer mom. I would love to get all dressed up, pack a cooler of beers, and go to my child little league games and shout disparaging comments at the opposing team and potentially get into a fight with one of the other moms. I think I would look really cute in a corset that was made to look like a referee's uniform :) Maybe someday I will get my dream of minivans, proms, and family game nights, but for right now I am all too comfortable and happy with me being the only child I need to take care of.

They decorate onesies with inspirational Lady Gaga lyrics ;)

This past weekend a good friend of mine hosted a baby show in honor of an adorable – I’m assuming – baby boy named Benjamin. I have never attended a baby shower in my life and, though I am practically a woman, I just assumed that this would be one of those strange and mystical rituals that I would never take part in. I didn’t really know what to expect; I assumed we would eat food, play an assortment of “baby-related” games and ultimately watch the mother-to-be tear through a slue of exquisitely wrapped presents.

I walked into my friend’s home and every single head turned, the same confused look sprawled across their faces. I think it took people a little while to re-shift their paradigm for this party, to see a male in, what is typically known as, an all-female space. With shifting definitions of family and what that looks like, it is not uncommon that we overhauling many of our “family-centered rituals” and modifying them to be more current. Besides, if I am going to be little Benjamin’s fairy auntie than, I better get a damn invite to the party ;) There were moments though where I felt a bit out of place; however we did learn that I KICK ASS at baby shower games. Here is a little bit of my inner monologue from the party.

“hmm I don’t have a vagina, or a husband, or children …. Well now that we have exhausted all possible conversation topics, let’s grab some more cupcakes!”

 Of course, it didn’t help that when it came time to decorate the onesies for baby Benjamin, I decided to take a less-than-traditional direction for decorating mine. While many patrons of the party decided to embroider their onesies with adorable messages of cuteness like “My Mom is My Bestie”, I decided to impart to Benjamin practical advice that will help mold and guide him as he goes through life.  I decided to write lyrics from Lady Gaga’s most recent hit “Born this Way” and drew “Don’t Be a Drag Just be a Queen” on his onesies. A few of the guests were a little confused. A told my friend that she just had to take one photo of Benjamin in the onesies and then she could conveniently “lose” it.

Ultimately I learned much from the experience; the inner world of mothers and child-rearing. I didn’t realize that you need so much crap in order to properly raise a child. I thought you simply needed tings like bottles, blankets, and love in order to raise a child. Apparently you need such devices as a Pack-N-Play and rubber duckies that turn a different color if the water is too hot along with an assortment of other gadgets and trinkets. Also, apparently there is a slue of lotions and creams necessarily to successfully navigate a pregnancy/infant, including Butt Paste and Nipple Crème. Frankly, it sounded all too overwhelming – kind of like a houseplant at times seems overwhelming to me. Maybe I’ll try to keep the houseplant alive and gradually upgrade from there.