Oddly enough I am not one of those individuals that is suffering from Bieber Fever – the latest infectious disease to hit the country. In a few days, Justin drops by Reno Nevada for a one night only concert and the pre-teen girls of the city are all atwitter. I don’t really get it. Perhaps it is a sign of my growing maturity and the evolution of my tastes, but five years ago I probably would have been one of the biggest Justin Bieber fans …. Who are we kidding …. Probably a year ago I would have been one of his biggest fans. Now, I cannot even tell you a name of one his songs. All I know he is creating a generation of teen boys that look like lesbians with his dykey quaffed hair. In the past I use to walk down the street and mistake 30 year old lesbians as twelve year old boys … now I am mistaking twelve year old boys as lesbians … it’s a very strange world we find ourselves in.

I had a really awful yet deliciously satisfying thought the other day. I had this notion/fantasy that I while Justin Bieber was sleeping I would crouching tiger, hidden drag queen my way past his guards and into his hotel room. Then I would maliciously shave all of his hair off … and maybe if I felt inspired I would give him a Mohawk. I would love to see what would happen with Bieber Fever after that point. I have a feeling that he would loose all of his powers. Then of course … I would sell it on Ebay for an exorbitant amount of money … to some pre-teen girl for sentimental reasons … or to a drag king to fashion themselves a wig/mustache out of it.   

.... and by God I mean Nick Carter.

Couple of nights ago I fulfilled an old childhood dream of mine - to see the Backstreet Boys in concert. My friend Jeanine, as a belated birthday present, booked myself and a few of our dear friends a center orchestra booth for the show.

We of course began the night with the Grand Sierra Resort buffet, a time-honored tradition of our group. Once again, it was made blatantly obvious that most people do not know how to navigate a freaking buffet. Like deer caught in some mother effing headlights, people walk into a buffet, and instantly stop moving. Here's some advice - DON'T STAND IN THE MIDDLE OF THE AISLE WAY. Yes I understand that the 12 different salad options can be a bit overwhelming, but seriously.

We then slowly filtered our way into the theater amidst the gaggle of screaming pre-teen girls, the screaming women that were pre-teens a decade or so ago, hyperventilating gay boys, and the straight boys who seemed to have been dragged along by their girlfriends. Although, I am of the opinion that the straight boys actually wanted to be there. Deep down, I believe that everyone has a special place for boy bands in their heart.

The show had one opening act - somebody named ChristianTV. ChristianTV was a tall giant with a long mullet who hopped around the stage like one of those German jumper dancers. It's not that he was bad .... it's just that the best part of his act was the noticeably hot DJ wearing a fashionable gray suit and skinny tie. Apparently the crowd shared my sentiment, as only three girls stood up and cheered the mullet-loving, cheetah-print-wearing, hipster wannabe. Perhaps I am being critical, but only because he was standing between me and the Backstreet Boys.Also his hit song "When she turns 18" did not sit well with the target population of the audience. 

Finally the moment had arrived and the Boys took the stage, It was only 4 of the members - Kevin Richardson was not present ... but who really cares, no one really comes to a Backstreet Boys concert to see him, unfortunate, but true.

It was an incredible concert. Time has been good to the Boys. Though their hair was thinning a little and AJ was a little thicker, they still retain their dreamy good looks and I certainly would have pummeled everyone in my path to get to them.

They delivered a fantastic concert that did not disappoint old and new fans alike. I sometimes hate it at concerts when they don't play all of their hits and try to trick us and throw in some of their new material. NO, just give us what we want, then and only then, is it acceptable to send new material our way. When they broke into "Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely" I literally burst into tears and sobbed like a little girl. It felt like a strange religious experience. This is what it must feel like when people find Jesus in their peanut butter tin. As they were singing, a rising sun background crept up the screen illuminating the gorgeous and chiseled features of Nick Carter. In the immortal words of my friend Nicole "I think one of my eggs just dropped!" It was a wonderful trip down memory lane to a time where the biggest debate of the day ws whether NSYNC or BSB was the best. I of course, being an equal opportunity employer, wanted both at the same time!

I hope that everyone has a fantastic 4th of July weekend!!!

Yesterday, I headed out to the pre-school where my roommate and another good friend of mine work at. They had planned this spring music concert and wanted me to come and watch and support. I was totally down with doing that, however I got wasted the night before and had to get up early in the morning to go this shindig. So I tried my best to not smell like a distillery, threw on my big gaudy sunglasses, and hit the road for an epic concert.

With my cousins all in the teenager/pre-teen box, it has been a while since I have been around small children …. let alone an army of small children. The first thing I noticed when we pulled up to the private pre-k school – which shall remain nameless for the sake of my roommate's job – was the playground. The lawn was not real grass but instead some awkward AstroTurf and all of the playground equipment had these beige tones and made out of what appeared to be  some rubber byproduct – thus ensuring that no matter how hard you hit your head on the equipment it would just bounce right back. I instantly went down memory lane to my playground which, let me tell you, was a zoo of concrete and metal – there was no such thing as padding or wood chips in my day.

Then I walk into the classroom, which has about fifteen kids, and I wanted to die. They were everywhere, demanding things, wanting attention and affirmation, tattle-telling on one another, all the while bouncing off the ceilings. My friends & the kids had been working hard for the past couple of weeks to put on this “spring concert” which was going to incorporate some singing, some dancing, and even a little improv. The kids packed the house with friends and family – damn they put a lot of entertainers I know to shame with the amount of people that came out to watch them. Who knew that a preschool spring music concert would be so entertaining and dramatic all at the same time?

So start off the concert, the kids decided to sing/dance along to 98 Degrees rendition of “True to Your Heart” from the awe-inspiring Disney film Mulan. Then did the Bunny Song, Peanut Song, and other objects that they decided to writing a catchy jingle too. The kids also did some improv which I thought was pretty impressive. Taking a quick glance around the room I was able to divide the classroom into 4 different types of performers:

1. The apathetic kid – the child that does not have a performers' bone in their body and generally stood or sat there the entire concert looking awkward and uncomfortable. If they did any of the dance moves they were half-assed and lifeless, their projection was non-existent, and their stage presence was beyond absent. Though they may be 4 or 5 years old, that is no excuse, shall we just examine the Olsen twins.

2. The over-enthusiastic kids – the kids that think they are Justin Bieber and therefore want to do, sing, dance everything. At first you are excited by their involvement and hope that it serves as a model for other children. After about 5 minutes you are over it and hope they join the apathetic kid group. They are the children who have their hands raised first and after each of the numbers asks such questions as “wasn't I the loudest, couldn't you hear me the best”. Because they are so desperately vying for attention they tend to take up the most space with their body and voice. So many of the kids wanted to hold this damn poster with a painted picture of a sun on it, you thought it was the greatest gift you could ever give them. Unfortunately most of these children will grow up to be the people that “try too hard” or the people that hog things – time, attention, spotlight, compliments, toys, etc.

3. The Pumpkins - in general these are the best children to watch. Adorable without trying too hard. There was one kid in particular who wore this beautiful princess dress for the concert. So jealous – if only I was able to accessorize like that or have fabulous costumes from such an early age.

4. The Prima Donnas – and of course, last but certainly not least, everybody's favorites, the Divas. These were the children during the concert that tried to selfishly outshine everybody and when they are unsuccessful go and cry in the corner trying to draw attention to themselves. Well honey baby child, “ba whoooooooo A wooooooo” cry me a river darling. There is a show currently going on, and you should be onstage, and not offstage crying in the corner, especially when you have nothing to cry about. It was a little bit awkward and uncomfortable to watch – not that deterred me from soaking it all in mind you ;)

The parents ate it up, which they usually do in these sentimental, Hallmark-Lifetime-TV-Moments. People were tearing up, cameras were flashing, and a half an other later I still had my big sunglasses on, still was a little drunk, and now a little misty-eyed. I do not envy my friends in their job. Working with other peoples' children all day – especially ones that are bratty and spoiled, the joys of a private preschool – unable to discipline them at all, is really rough. At the end of the concert my friends were sweating and I thought that they might pass out right there on the carpet with the silly fish swimming around it. It is instances like this where I go back and forth on the whole having kids thing. Part of me would like to have a child and just raise the most kick ass kid in the world. The kid who is confident, but not arrogant, smart but not a know it all, and who exudes fabulousness from their very pores. Then I start wondering about life with a kid: PTA meetings, bake sales, soccer matches, sleep overs, school, dentist appointments, SATs, etc. It is at this point that I get very scared. I can't even take care of our house plant which I am looking at while I am typing – at the moment leaves are turning yellow and falling off. How would I ever be able to look after an infant that wants things constantly? Or what happens if my kid doesn't think I'm cool? How would I pick up the pieces of my life after that crushing blow?I guess I will just have to cross the child bridge when I get there.