It's that time again ladies and gentlemen. A surefire sign that summer has arrived in Reno, is when the Reno News and Review begins the intense "Best Of" competition for Northern Nevada. In the past I have received 3rd best drag queen in Reno and blogger - but now I have my sights on the gold. This year the category I am vying for is "Best Drag Queen".

Here is my case for why I am the best drag queen in Reno. One, a ginger attempting to rise to fame in a desert is a story of overcoming obstacles that stand in your path - like the sun. Secondly, I think to think of myself as an eclectic entertainer. No longer limited to simply lip-syncing to songs like many of my contemporaries, I can sing live, dance, host various events, and do stand-up. I have had the fortunate opportunity to use my drag queenary to perform in live musicals, improv shows, Golden Girls episodes, burlesque shows, and plays and cannot wait to see what the rest of the year brings my way. Also, I like to think I am not one of those scary drag queens. More often than not I transform myself in gorgeous women that confuses and appeals to both straight men and lesbians everywhere. Last but not last, did I mention I can drop down into the splits? 

Here is the link to event's page for the competition. Make sure to follow all of the directions so that your vote is not discounted. I promise that if I am sworn in as the best drag queen in Reno I will rule benevolently and not let the victory go to my head ... too much. 

Does anybody else feel like everyone they know is talking about having kids or are currently pregnant? I feel as if my life has become one giant Babies 'R Us sitcom. Even commericial advertisments on television predominately sell products to help people (1) Not have children (2) Have children (3) Clothe and feed their child (4) Exciting things to do as a nuclear family. I don't hate children, I actually really enjoy babysitting and watching other peoples' children - the operative phrase in that sentence being other people's children. However the thought of having my own give me heart palpitations.

I can barely take care of myself. My co-worker gave me a house plant for my desk that apparently can survive in the most treacherous of conditions; within one month at my desk it was yellowing and dying a slow painful death (3 weeks with Granolafer and the plant has completely recovered). It usually takes an act of God to launch my ass out of bed and greet the day, let alone if I had to get my kids up, ready, and out the door for school. Then I couldn't imagine going to work, picking kids up, taking them to whatever extracurricular activity they - or most likely I - have chosen to participate in and then come home to cook, clean, do laundry and attempt to decompress before repeating said day again, every day .... for 18 years.

Kids are needy, inquisitive - almost to an annoying degree -, and at times irrational. Not that all children are terrible, but the gems are few and far between. Nowadays, I see 6 year olds with iPhonesmouthing off to parents. I see parents attempting to place the onus of raising their children on schools. Schools - due to budget cuts, apathetic teachers, and failing programs and standards - are unable to properly handle and manage the kids lambasting parents for their lack of support and general involvement in the childrens' lives. I see good kids get teased, harassed, and bullied by other children while parents and teachers turn a blind eye or relate some trite generalization such as "boys will be boys" - Eff that, your boy might be like that, but mine would certainly have some class and manners. When the teased kids' parents arrive on the scene wanting retribution, they instead get a PTA meeting where they are told that the bully has been "written up" and get assured it will not happen again. Don't promise things to me that you are incapable of delivering. BTW, what the hell does "written up" even mean? It seems to me, that it is some bureaucratic measure put in place to placate parents, to give them a sense that something is being done. I would not be down with that. First reason it is probably not a good idea for me to have children; I would not be a restrained subdued parent. If somebody bullied or harassed my child, ooooohhhh, hell hath no fury like a gay drag queen mother. I would make the lives of the child, the parents, and the school miserable until I was satisfied that my child - or anybody else's - was safe.

Speaking of safety, though we live in the 21st century, alternative families and lifestyles are sometimes still viewed in a negative light. Part of me would feel guilty for the teasing that my child might have to endure on account of my drag queenary. Another part of me, would relish the opportunity to have that conversation with my child and teach them from an early age that they are amazing, beautiful, and can do anything they want, even become a big old queen like their mamma. Then I would tell them that they are my little prince/princess and that we are royalty. I would always tell my child to never start a fight but never be afraid to finish one - oh you better believe that my children will be going to every karate/ninja class available. If they still get harassed, I would get all dressed up in my Sunday best and go to my child's school, walk right up to the bully, and inform them that if they do not leave my child alone I will take my bedazzled spike heel and shove it so far up their ass they will be coughing glitter for weeks ... another reason I should not be a parent ... apparently you can't say that to people, especially kids.

Part of me has the great desire to be a soccer mom. I would love to get all dressed up, pack a cooler of beers, and go to my child little league games and shout disparaging comments at the opposing team and potentially get into a fight with one of the other moms. I think I would look really cute in a corset that was made to look like a referee's uniform :) Maybe someday I will get my dream of minivans, proms, and family game nights, but for right now I am all too comfortable and happy with me being the only child I need to take care of.

So today marks the pinnacle of Irish culture and celebration with St. Patrick’s Day. Very little of what we do today has any relevancy to the original holiday – similar to many of our pseudo-Christian, Americanized celebrations including Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, etc. According to the story, St. Patrick was captured by Irish raiders and held captive. While a prisoner, God appeared to St. Patrick in a dream – as God allegedly often does – and related that St. Patrick needed to flee his captors, escape to the coast, and a ship would pick him up and take him home. After his escape, St. Patrick returned home and joined the church, where studied to become a priest. Shortly thereafter, he returned to Ireland to educate the Irish heathens about the dangers of their polytheistic ways. He often used a shamrock as a teaching tool to demonstrate the Holy Trinity and after his death became a symbol for Irish Christianity.

According to the source of infinite knowledge, Wikipedia, St. Patrick’s Day is usually characterized by church services, the wearing of green – typically in the form of a shamrock –, and a removal of Lenten (my new favorite adjective btw) restrictions regarding food and drink. The day is supposed to serve as a celebration of Irish culture and traditions. However, my experiences have shown me that people generally don’t know (1) Who St. Patrick is (2) Why he is often hailed as the patron saint of Ireland (3) Where Ireland is on the map.   What usually happens is a sea of drunk people, sporting green, ambling around downtown in their drunken disposition shouting obnoxious things like “The Luck of the Irish!!” or worse showcasing their “best” Irish accent. Once again, we in America have appropriated another culture’s holiday, drastically altered its main reason for existing, and turned it into an excuse to drink heavily, wear gaudy (at times culturally inappropriate) attire and buy tacky, cheap decorations from the Dollar Store.

The other side to St. Patrick's Day is the "green squad". The green squad are those individuals that keep track of every single person in their immediate environment to ensure that everyone is wearing green on St. Patrick's Day. Should some poor soul fail to remember to wear green, the green squad will make you feel shameful and inadequeate as person. Worse yet is when they critique the level of "greenness" you are currently operating at; "Oh you just wore green earrings, wow, you must not really like Irish people you obviously don't support their culture".

Being a ginger on St. Patrick’s Day is an odd yet sometimes hilarious experience. As my best friend Jake put it “(St. Patrick’s Day) is the one day we are not only seen as fully functioning members of society, but are actually welcomed into the mixed company of non-gingers as a sign of luck”. Nothing could be closer to the truth. On any other day, the Ginger population is feared and made fun of for our pasty skin, obtrusive freckles, and general lack of soul. However today we are hugged, kissed, rubbed, as non-Irish folk (and therefore non-magical) try to soak up a little bit of that good ole Irish luck. This is why I will be heading to the gay bars tonight; to spread my little leprechaun magic around. ;)   

My friend Matt posted this on my wall this morning and I about peed my pants I thought it was so funny. Of all of the minority populations that exist on this Earth, Gingers are the easiest and most entertaining to taunt. Mainly because the accusations have no basis in reality - lack of soul, Gingervitis - and yet there might be a shred of truth to the rumors that makes people both frightened and curious.

Enjoy!!! Happy Thanksgiving everyone

As we all know, being a Ginger is very important to who I am as a person and as a performer. Though there is some baggage associated with a Ginger identity, making fun of Gingers is such comedic gold. I feel that in some respects, Gingers are the new underrepresented population to sling jokes at. Think about it - we are a dieing civilization, we can't go out into direct sunlight, and bruise like summer fruit - what kind of threat would we pose. However, we do have that whole "no soul" thing going for us, so watch out. I still have grandiose fantasies about the Gingers of the world rising to power and blocking out the sun in some Simpsons/Mr.Burns sort of way.

I was rewatching old episodes of South Park and I came across one of their episodes entitled "Ginger Kids". The episode involves Cartman on another crusade to marginalize another group of people - the Gingers. Kyle, Stan, and Kenny decide to play a joke on the unsuspecting Cartman. They decide to bleach his skin, draw freckles on, and dye his hair. Cartman, his mom, and even the medical doctors believe he has come down with a case of Gingervitis.Make sure to watch the episode, as well as all the episodes of South park, on Comedy Central. Here is a link to the Ginger Kids episode

It is one of my favorite episodes of South park - second only to the World of Warcraft South park episode. There is something so oddly refreshing about South park. Though sometimes their plots are a bit ridiculous and convoluted, the ability for creators Matt and Trey to boil down complex social and political issues into simple satirical parodies is incredible.

At the core of every South Park episode is the philosophy that everything and everyone can be made fun of. That being the case, we can all take the time to laugh at ourselves and at the ridiculousness of life. People who are offended by South Park are uptight asinine individuals who should probably not be watching South Park to begin with. I feel that is part of my philosophy as an entertainer and performer. Much of my material focuses on making fun of myself - not in a self-depreciating sort of way - and pointing out the humor of life. I learned that speaking truthfully from personal experience seems to go over better with audiences than attempting to provide commentary on a topic that you know very little about. Hence, why I love making fun of Gingers - it's easy, hilarious to do, and some people are still a little terrified of us ;)

So for a while I have been talking about writing a letter to the Environmental Protection Agency, highlighting the plight of the Ginger and inquire into what the government is going to do to protect us. I really hope that they send me a letter in response and perhaps a free t-shirt. I am sending a copy of this letter to the EPA and the World Wildlife Fund. I didn't know where the Ginger problem would more appropriately fall under.  VIVA LA GINGER REVOLUTION!

Dear Environmental Protection Agency,

I am contacting you today to discuss an urgent matter that I would like the EPA to consider and look into – the protection and propagation of the Ginger people. Living as a redhead presents innumerable physically and psychological hurdles to deal with and process on a daily basis.

Scientific research has concluded that redheads do not contain melanin in their skin to protect them from harmful UVA & UVB rays and thus leaving the Ginger populace generally more susceptible to developing fatal melanoma and other forms of skin cancer easier than others. Now if this simply about a few sunburns/blister burns I would be able to deal with that but UVB Rays have the effect of damaging DNA and producing free radical cells that harm DNA and lead to more cancer. There also has been some inquiry into Gingers' pain tolerance, effects of anesthetics, skin easily bruising, and tending to bleed more when injured.

To protect myself against the harmful rays of the sun I must purchase expensive sunblock products & clothing that makes vague promises of protecting me, confine myself to the indoors between the hours of 10:00am to 4:00pm to avoid risk of exposure, and consistently see a dermatologist in order to make sure I do not have cancer. With healthcare in disarray, the protective ozone layer depleting every day, and the economy in dire straits, I would like to know what the Federal government is doing to help citizens who are more susceptible to mother nature. What protections are the government going to issue? Some reports have discussed the possibility of the Ginger population becoming extinct – some estimates as soon as 2060. And although, redheaded-ness is genetic mutation, therefore it is possible for this trait to skip generations and spontaneously pop up somewhere else but those instances will be few and far between.

It is time for decisive action and the Ginger cannot bear the burden alone. It is time for the EPA to step in and address this escalating global crisis and find a suitable solution before the Ginger population becomes extinct.

I appreciate your time and look forward to your response on how to afford protections to Gingers to make sure that the cost to protect oneself does not extend beyond their means.

Sincerely

Miss Ginger Devine

Probably the most significant identity that relates who I am as a person – more so than being a drag queen or being gay – is my identity as a ginger. Gingers have a long and illustrious history dating all the way back to prehistoric times as British doctors have just discovered. Check out the article here.

I also want to take this opportunity to clear up some misconceptions about the ginger populace.

1. I really do fear the sun and try to avoid it as much as possible. More so than being a gamer and generally lazy, gingerism is the reason why I do not venture out-of-doors all that often. I do not know if this makes us distant relatives of vampires but my superhuman strength and speed haven't kicked in so I am doubtful. I do enjoy the cover of night though … however because I am a gamer and generally lazy I still tend to not go out-of-doors even at night. My friends always want me to go to the beach with them and enjoy a day outside. Do you know what a day at the beach entails for me; a preteen novel, my pink IPOD, a sweatshirt, SPF 100, and an umbrella. These are all things I can manage in the confines of my home and not have to worry about skin cancer or burns.

2. If I have to hear one more person tell me that after SPF 30 it scientifically does not do anything more to protect you from the harmful rays of the sun. First of all, SHUT UP! After SPF 30 the protection only increases in small incremental amounts and at this point I will take any help I can get. Secondly, I proudly wear SPF 100 and whether it actually works or it is some stupid placebo effect occurring, I still wear it and will continue to wear it until they upgrade to SPF 120. Thirdly, if you have never suffered the torment of such a severe sunburn that your skin blisters over like some horror movie than you cannot talk.

3. Apparently Gingers are going to be extinct by 2100 – and WON'T YOU MISS US THEN! Red hair is a double recessive gene and therefore is getting overpowered by other hair genes. However scientists would like to assuage our fears by informing us that red hair, known as gingervitis, is a mutation at heart and therefore could pop up randomly. Wow, way to make it seem that we are more abnormal than we actually are. I am beginning a campaign to contact the environmental protection agency and see about getting some protections, or at least a handicap parking sticker. This also means that it is my obligation to propagate the ginger population … which means procreation … which means me and a woman …. not going to happen … but I will donate for the cause.

4. Now probably the most important topic and the one that is most contentious is the debate over whether gingers have souls or not. I have heard arguments from both sides of the issue and based upon my 23 years of life I have come to the following conclusion; gingers probably have no souls. I apologize to gingers that were under the assumption that we do or partners of gingers who are learning for the first time that their girlfriend/boyfriend/spouse has no soul. I like to think that gingers are a practical joke that the universe is playing on us to bring a little bit of laughter to the world. I also think that because God has made a somewhat practical joke out of us he has also imbued with special powers and abilities including the much feared but much desired fire crotch.

So gingers might have it kind of bad but there are some benefits to being a fabulous ginger. First of all, we are the last hair group to grey, our fair skin – because we have to take such good care of it – means that it will be smooth with less wrinkles 50 years from now instead of an intensely scary leather hide shell of a face, and the mysterious rumors surrounding our community shrouds us in a veil of intrigue that people find fascinating.