I always hated scantron tests. Aside from the inherent pressure of test-taking and fearing that one poor performance will hinder my future prospects, scantron tests had an additional layer of anxiety and pressure to them. I have a mild case of OCD - checking to see if doors are locked repeatedly, washing my hands multiple times at once, etc - and one area where my OCD explodes is test taking. The lexicon of paranoia that floods an OCDer's mind while taking a scantron test is overwhelming. Picture it, it's Abnormal Psychology, final exam, at 10:15 in the morning at Bascom Hill in beautiful Madison, WI. You have excessively studied, to the point where you cannot read the textbook because your highlighting strategies has rendered the text unreadable. You receive the test and sit poised to tackle the exam that is going to count for 40% of your life in the class. As you answer the first question you look down at your pencil and wonder if your mechanical pencil constitutes a #2 pencil. What happens if somebody made a mistake and I was using a different type of lead that the scantron wouldn't be able to read thus making every answer on my exam wrong? How essential is it to use a #2 pencil? Are there other numbered pencils, because I am only familiar with the #2. I push that concern out of my mind, trying to tell myself that I have used this exact same pencil before without any repercussions.

Halfway through the test I realize that I answered a question incorrectly and go to erase the bubble and put in my new answer. As I stare down at the exam, I wonder if I have completely erased the bubble or if there were trace amounts of lead still in the bubble thus confusing the scantron machine into thinking that I have chosen two answers, and thus ultimately loosing the point. Now, paranoid and full of anxiety, I excessively erase the bubble until it is no longer there, and then calmly move on to the next question.

At the end of the exam, I follow the wise and sagacious words of my teacher and "double check" my work. However, because I have OCD that become checking my exam question by question at least five times to make sure that everything lines up perfectly. What happens if my answers don't line up with the questions and thus I get everything wrong, fail the class, fail out of college and live in perpetual fear of scantron exams the rest of my life. I finish the exam in 45 minutes and then spend the next 45 minutes too paralyzed to turn in the exam for fear that, in some highly improbable way, I have completely and utterly screwed up the entire exam and excessively check and re-check my answers. 

Let me just say that I am thankful I am no longer in a place where I have to encounter scantron exams on a regular basis.  

 Tonight marks the premiere of the 3rd Annual "Made in Reno" musical festival. What started as a small variety show featuring local talent has blossomed and transformed to a larger than life music festival showcasing the best that Reno has to offer. The show has also evolved to become a fundraiser to sustain local music programs. Before the country began to face the greatest economic recession since the Depression, music programs across the nation were experiencing budget cuts with bureaucrats labeling music/music programs as an unnecessary expenditure. Though scientific studies have time and time again proven the overwhelming positive benefits of music programs for youth, finding secure funding was and continues to this day, to be a concern.

Made In Reno represents the combined efforts of a number of individuals who believe in the power of music; as well as the wonderful talent that Reno is ripe with. This two-day music celebration features some of the greatest bands and singer/songwriters in town demonstrating the inherent talent this city has to offer. The money raised through the show will go toward a general scholarship fund for music majors at the University of Nevada-Reno with priority going to students from Washoe County.

The Utility Players will be there lending their support, selling raffle tickets and performing a short set of songs from our all original musical - aptly named Improv the Musical.

Everyone should come out and support this wonderful and fantastic local fundraiser. Here is alink to the facebook event for Made in Reno - happening tonight and tomorrow at the Underground on 4th street. Show starts at 6:30pm and admission is $10. Hope to see you all there.

Does anybody else feel like everyone they know is talking about having kids or are currently pregnant? I feel as if my life has become one giant Babies 'R Us sitcom. Even commericial advertisments on television predominately sell products to help people (1) Not have children (2) Have children (3) Clothe and feed their child (4) Exciting things to do as a nuclear family. I don't hate children, I actually really enjoy babysitting and watching other peoples' children - the operative phrase in that sentence being other people's children. However the thought of having my own give me heart palpitations.

I can barely take care of myself. My co-worker gave me a house plant for my desk that apparently can survive in the most treacherous of conditions; within one month at my desk it was yellowing and dying a slow painful death (3 weeks with Granolafer and the plant has completely recovered). It usually takes an act of God to launch my ass out of bed and greet the day, let alone if I had to get my kids up, ready, and out the door for school. Then I couldn't imagine going to work, picking kids up, taking them to whatever extracurricular activity they - or most likely I - have chosen to participate in and then come home to cook, clean, do laundry and attempt to decompress before repeating said day again, every day .... for 18 years.

Kids are needy, inquisitive - almost to an annoying degree -, and at times irrational. Not that all children are terrible, but the gems are few and far between. Nowadays, I see 6 year olds with iPhonesmouthing off to parents. I see parents attempting to place the onus of raising their children on schools. Schools - due to budget cuts, apathetic teachers, and failing programs and standards - are unable to properly handle and manage the kids lambasting parents for their lack of support and general involvement in the childrens' lives. I see good kids get teased, harassed, and bullied by other children while parents and teachers turn a blind eye or relate some trite generalization such as "boys will be boys" - Eff that, your boy might be like that, but mine would certainly have some class and manners. When the teased kids' parents arrive on the scene wanting retribution, they instead get a PTA meeting where they are told that the bully has been "written up" and get assured it will not happen again. Don't promise things to me that you are incapable of delivering. BTW, what the hell does "written up" even mean? It seems to me, that it is some bureaucratic measure put in place to placate parents, to give them a sense that something is being done. I would not be down with that. First reason it is probably not a good idea for me to have children; I would not be a restrained subdued parent. If somebody bullied or harassed my child, ooooohhhh, hell hath no fury like a gay drag queen mother. I would make the lives of the child, the parents, and the school miserable until I was satisfied that my child - or anybody else's - was safe.

Speaking of safety, though we live in the 21st century, alternative families and lifestyles are sometimes still viewed in a negative light. Part of me would feel guilty for the teasing that my child might have to endure on account of my drag queenary. Another part of me, would relish the opportunity to have that conversation with my child and teach them from an early age that they are amazing, beautiful, and can do anything they want, even become a big old queen like their mamma. Then I would tell them that they are my little prince/princess and that we are royalty. I would always tell my child to never start a fight but never be afraid to finish one - oh you better believe that my children will be going to every karate/ninja class available. If they still get harassed, I would get all dressed up in my Sunday best and go to my child's school, walk right up to the bully, and inform them that if they do not leave my child alone I will take my bedazzled spike heel and shove it so far up their ass they will be coughing glitter for weeks ... another reason I should not be a parent ... apparently you can't say that to people, especially kids.

Part of me has the great desire to be a soccer mom. I would love to get all dressed up, pack a cooler of beers, and go to my child little league games and shout disparaging comments at the opposing team and potentially get into a fight with one of the other moms. I think I would look really cute in a corset that was made to look like a referee's uniform :) Maybe someday I will get my dream of minivans, proms, and family game nights, but for right now I am all too comfortable and happy with me being the only child I need to take care of.

At this moment, Reno High School students are going through the arduous process of finals. Oh finals, the trepidation of opening your exam booklet, the amnesia you always seem to experience right before the exam, and the fear that a poor exam score will invariably lead to your rejection from college, leaving you with no options except a downward spiral of drugs, sex, and crime.

Without a doubt, the worst part of finals for me was gym class. It’s simply absurd that gym would even require a final let alone how I would even begin to prepare for said final – I guess …. working out … and exercise would do it, but like that’s going to happen. The only thing that I was remotely good at in gym was kickball – stand there and punt a ball … done! – and all the flexibility tests – which didn’t mean a whole lot in Middle School but now later in life is a very useful and beneficial asset to have ;)

Like most gym teachers, mine was the soccer coach who took pleasure in sadistically torturing his students – especially the fat ones. Now what is the mortal enemy of any plus-sized individual? That would be the dreaded timed mile. Our teacher forced us to run a 10 minute mile for our exam and if we happened to not complete the mile in the allotted time then we had to try again the next day. This would continue the entire week of finals until you either (A) passed (B) failed (C) the coach took pity upon you and decided to pass you. One particularly horrifying final, I was determined not to walk the whole thing. Now as a 230-pound 5’5 individual, running was quite possibly the worst torture ever; fat rolls jingling from side to side, my chest cavity threatening to explode with oxygen, and my weak un-muscled legs – already sore from the walk to the track – turned to mush 30 seconds into the final. What made this final particularly embarrassing is that as my fellow classmates were lapping me around the track, they were patting my back, and shouting encouraging words as they sped past me on the way to success. What I learned later on was that the gym teacher told all of the students to encourage me as they ran past as a way to motivate me to run longer, faster, and further. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I am not some Pavlovian Dog whereby a few positive affirmations will instantly result in more instances of the desired behavior. Don’t you think if I had the ability to run a 10-minute mile I would instead of suffering the humiliation of having to repeat the mile time and time again?

I wish that the story ended with some epic tale of me training all year so I could not only complete the mile in less than 10 minutes but go on to break the school record for the mile just to show the coach in some epic Lifetime Movie montage. Unfortunately, I was totally mortified by the experience and decided to take up two languages just so I would never have to experience a gym final again. I wonder, years later, if I would be able to accomplish such a feat having lost some weight and strengthened my muscles …. I’ll let you know when I get around to testing it.