So I am about to share an experience that I am sure many individuals out there can understand and relate to: your roommate's precious pet. Now, I want to establish that I am a animal lover of all kinds – unless you are a snake or will have a desire at some point to eat me - and by no means want PETA breathing down my drag queeny neck. However, Homer is not an animal but instead exists in my life as a 80 year old ornery bear of a dog whose sole purpose in life is to get in my way.

Homer is our house pet – an incredibly adorable purebred short-haired chow – that spends the grand majority of his life sleeping on our couch, generally taking up space, and snoring louder than any trick I have ever taken home. If there is no space on the couch, Homer will skillfully and annoyingly hoist himself up on the couch – a belaboring chore that leaves him out of breath and farting due to his clenching. If you do not move out of Homer's way he will invariably plop down and his giant ass will slam into you or your computer.

Homer sleeps probably about twenty hours a day and only intermittently rouses himself from his slumber when one of us walks into the kitchen and opens the refrigerator door. This initiates one of Homer's favorite games in life, the “can Homer have some?” game. What happens is that Homer will follow you into the kitchen and then proceed to stand there and generally be in the way. Now, what you have to understand is that my kitchen is a little small and I am a plus-sized girl, and having a 75 pound Chow with a giant head standing in your way makes cooking and any sort of movement difficult. About a half dozen times I have stepped backwards and nearly fallen over this behemoth of a beast. Once you are done making your food, Homer will follow you around, and if you are not careful, he will snatch it right from out of your hand.

Probably one of the most amusing things to do around Homer – which I have noticed a lot of people do – is provide voice overs for him detailing all of his actions. There is something intrinsically hilarious about putting thoughts to the random and nonsensical behavior of dogs.

Oh, did I mention that Homer also happens to be an ornery old man. One of his biggest joys in life is sleeping and heaven forbid anybody attempt to interrupt Homer's sleeping by scratching his head. He will growl and snap at you and then promptly pass out once again. Homer is the only dog that I have ever met that can snore at the top of his lungs while still fully awake. Although Homer can make you want to pull your hair out, there are those moments late at night when you are working on a project or watching an episode of Roseanne, where Homer will heave himself onto the couch and then lay his giant head on your lap and suddenly the world feels like a better place. However, if this chow ever decides to eat my heels or poop on my corsets, I might have to go Cruella Deville on his ass.