I always hated scantron tests. Aside from the inherent pressure of test-taking and fearing that one poor performance will hinder my future prospects, scantron tests had an additional layer of anxiety and pressure to them. I have a mild case of OCD - checking to see if doors are locked repeatedly, washing my hands multiple times at once, etc - and one area where my OCD explodes is test taking. The lexicon of paranoia that floods an OCDer's mind while taking a scantron test is overwhelming. Picture it, it's Abnormal Psychology, final exam, at 10:15 in the morning at Bascom Hill in beautiful Madison, WI. You have excessively studied, to the point where you cannot read the textbook because your highlighting strategies has rendered the text unreadable. You receive the test and sit poised to tackle the exam that is going to count for 40% of your life in the class. As you answer the first question you look down at your pencil and wonder if your mechanical pencil constitutes a #2 pencil. What happens if somebody made a mistake and I was using a different type of lead that the scantron wouldn't be able to read thus making every answer on my exam wrong? How essential is it to use a #2 pencil? Are there other numbered pencils, because I am only familiar with the #2. I push that concern out of my mind, trying to tell myself that I have used this exact same pencil before without any repercussions.

Halfway through the test I realize that I answered a question incorrectly and go to erase the bubble and put in my new answer. As I stare down at the exam, I wonder if I have completely erased the bubble or if there were trace amounts of lead still in the bubble thus confusing the scantron machine into thinking that I have chosen two answers, and thus ultimately loosing the point. Now, paranoid and full of anxiety, I excessively erase the bubble until it is no longer there, and then calmly move on to the next question.

At the end of the exam, I follow the wise and sagacious words of my teacher and "double check" my work. However, because I have OCD that become checking my exam question by question at least five times to make sure that everything lines up perfectly. What happens if my answers don't line up with the questions and thus I get everything wrong, fail the class, fail out of college and live in perpetual fear of scantron exams the rest of my life. I finish the exam in 45 minutes and then spend the next 45 minutes too paralyzed to turn in the exam for fear that, in some highly improbable way, I have completely and utterly screwed up the entire exam and excessively check and re-check my answers. 

Let me just say that I am thankful I am no longer in a place where I have to encounter scantron exams on a regular basis.  

Does anybody else feel like everyone they know is talking about having kids or are currently pregnant? I feel as if my life has become one giant Babies 'R Us sitcom. Even commericial advertisments on television predominately sell products to help people (1) Not have children (2) Have children (3) Clothe and feed their child (4) Exciting things to do as a nuclear family. I don't hate children, I actually really enjoy babysitting and watching other peoples' children - the operative phrase in that sentence being other people's children. However the thought of having my own give me heart palpitations.

I can barely take care of myself. My co-worker gave me a house plant for my desk that apparently can survive in the most treacherous of conditions; within one month at my desk it was yellowing and dying a slow painful death (3 weeks with Granolafer and the plant has completely recovered). It usually takes an act of God to launch my ass out of bed and greet the day, let alone if I had to get my kids up, ready, and out the door for school. Then I couldn't imagine going to work, picking kids up, taking them to whatever extracurricular activity they - or most likely I - have chosen to participate in and then come home to cook, clean, do laundry and attempt to decompress before repeating said day again, every day .... for 18 years.

Kids are needy, inquisitive - almost to an annoying degree -, and at times irrational. Not that all children are terrible, but the gems are few and far between. Nowadays, I see 6 year olds with iPhonesmouthing off to parents. I see parents attempting to place the onus of raising their children on schools. Schools - due to budget cuts, apathetic teachers, and failing programs and standards - are unable to properly handle and manage the kids lambasting parents for their lack of support and general involvement in the childrens' lives. I see good kids get teased, harassed, and bullied by other children while parents and teachers turn a blind eye or relate some trite generalization such as "boys will be boys" - Eff that, your boy might be like that, but mine would certainly have some class and manners. When the teased kids' parents arrive on the scene wanting retribution, they instead get a PTA meeting where they are told that the bully has been "written up" and get assured it will not happen again. Don't promise things to me that you are incapable of delivering. BTW, what the hell does "written up" even mean? It seems to me, that it is some bureaucratic measure put in place to placate parents, to give them a sense that something is being done. I would not be down with that. First reason it is probably not a good idea for me to have children; I would not be a restrained subdued parent. If somebody bullied or harassed my child, ooooohhhh, hell hath no fury like a gay drag queen mother. I would make the lives of the child, the parents, and the school miserable until I was satisfied that my child - or anybody else's - was safe.

Speaking of safety, though we live in the 21st century, alternative families and lifestyles are sometimes still viewed in a negative light. Part of me would feel guilty for the teasing that my child might have to endure on account of my drag queenary. Another part of me, would relish the opportunity to have that conversation with my child and teach them from an early age that they are amazing, beautiful, and can do anything they want, even become a big old queen like their mamma. Then I would tell them that they are my little prince/princess and that we are royalty. I would always tell my child to never start a fight but never be afraid to finish one - oh you better believe that my children will be going to every karate/ninja class available. If they still get harassed, I would get all dressed up in my Sunday best and go to my child's school, walk right up to the bully, and inform them that if they do not leave my child alone I will take my bedazzled spike heel and shove it so far up their ass they will be coughing glitter for weeks ... another reason I should not be a parent ... apparently you can't say that to people, especially kids.

Part of me has the great desire to be a soccer mom. I would love to get all dressed up, pack a cooler of beers, and go to my child little league games and shout disparaging comments at the opposing team and potentially get into a fight with one of the other moms. I think I would look really cute in a corset that was made to look like a referee's uniform :) Maybe someday I will get my dream of minivans, proms, and family game nights, but for right now I am all too comfortable and happy with me being the only child I need to take care of.

Dear Stupid Person That Wastes My Time,

I thought that I had left you far behind when I had matriculated from the University of Wisconsin, but unfortunately you have followed me all the way out to the barren desert of Reno and continue to haunt me in my professional career.

I first really noticed you years ago in my political science class when the professor would be in the middle of explaining something epic that would invariably show up on a future exam, and you would raise your hand and ask a question that sounded like this.

“Hi Professor, I wonder if the recent allegations put forth by the United Nations is indicative a larger power struggle between the axis of evil and iron curtain with hegemonic policies dictating foreign relations and guiding the inflation of the global market … blah blah blah insert big words here”

Whenever we saw your hand go up, we all dreaded what was about to happen. A 5 minute diatribe that ultimately serves no purpose other than allowing you to hear the sound of your voice and also prove to everybody else in the class that you are more worldly and knowledgeable than the rest of us. Psshh, worldly, I could tell you who has won the Academy Award for best picture for the past 15 years; if that is not worldly knowledge I do not know what is. You distracted the professor and took them on your wild and crazy journey with you. When your professor just blankly stares at you and says “right,well that is not what we are talking about right now”, you know it is a sign to shut the hell up. We detested your general presence, didn't want to share any of our notes with you, and generally wished for your academic demise in some weird Schadenfreude way.

Sometimes God decided to have a sense of humor, and placed someone like you in my class, only everything that came out of your mouth was unintelligible, but BOY did you enjoy the sound of your own voice. Sitting in class during the review session before the big final, I was attempting to learn an entire semester's worth of information in one review session and you would waste time by asking questions such as this:

“Ummm …. so like …. will this exam have questions on it? Ok, will they be multiple choice questions? How many multiple choice questions are there going to be? How many essays do I need to prepare for? Will I be able to use the bathroom during the test? Will I be able to ask annoying questions such as these once the exam is given out?”

Suddenly the review session was over, and I was no closer to understanding what the class was about or what is going to be on the final exam. Ugh, all I wanted to do was rub a cut grapefruit in your exposed eye.

I thought that I had left you behind when I left college and the annoying academics that inhabit those spaces. However, I have recently discovered that you did not disappear, merely metamorphosed into a different form: the business entrepreneur. I was at a workshop session about online marketing the other day. I struggled with whether to go or not. Would these be one of these workshops that unveiled the wonders of “facebook” or instructed people how to “tweet”? It was overall an informative session until once again, I saw your face, and suddenly I wanted to die. Although you looked a little different, you acted in exactly the same way. You asked a question that went like this:

“Umm so I know that there are like 60 other people in the room who have personalized questions about their individual business and we all want to ask them, but I am going to ask a vague question that COULD potentially apply to more than person, but ultimately only helps me. Oh, be prepared, for I will ask a lot of follow-up questions – again specifically focusing on me – until the session is over and I have used up all the time”.

AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! At 7:30am in the morning, that is the last thing I needed, and I hadn't even had a diet coke yet. So to the annoying person who asks a lot of inane questions that all have selfish intentions whether they be to prove to everyone how smart you are, determine the minimal amount of work necessary to STILL FAIL YOUR CLASS, or to draw attention to yourself, SHUT UP! We are tired of you wasting our time and making us generally frustrated. It is because of you that I shudder when I pass by signs that say “group discussions” or am generally leery of all workshops. Please take the time that you would normally use to ask questions and engage in some introspective reflection, and hopefully you will be so preoccupied with that, that you will have completely forgotten to ask a question.  Now do not get me wrong, asking questions is important part of learning and growth and we should ask questions ... just don't be stupid or oblivious about the whole situation.

Love,

Miss Ginger Devine