I’m not really a sports fan. I rarely if ever have the desire to go outside and play a sport. I frankly couldn’t care less who won the game last night or who got traded to which team. It’s cool if you do; some people enjoy watching sports and tracking statistics and other people enjoy watching award shows and taking bets on who is going to win the Oscar. The only sport that I know anything about is tennis. The other night at rehearsal some of the guys were discussing sports and steroids. I crack a joke relating that “that’s why tennis is superior sport because taking steroids will not make you a better tennis player”.  They look over and flippantly remark that tennis is not an actual sport and give me this condescending disdainful look at my futile attempts to discuss sports with a bunch of straight men. So … you make these judgments that gay men – and especially drag queens – don’t know anything about sports. In your eyes, our area of knowledge is sadly limited to Miley Cyrus, makeup, musicals, and GLEE. However, the times that we do try to contribute you refute and mock our efforts by stating that tennis is not an actual sport.

 Obviously! Obviously tennis is an “activity” that stuffy, preppy, sexually-repressed, country-club-goers do in between cocktails and verbally abusing their staff. Allow me to outline for you all the reasons why not only tennis IS a sport, but in some respects a far superior sport to others.

-          Usually there is no team in tennis. Unless you play doubles – which is rare - there is you, your opponent, and a mother fucking court and that is it. If you don’t feel like running down the ball because you are tired, well then you lose the point.  

-          Along the same lines, you are truly alone on the court. You do not have a defensive coach, an offensive coach, and a special teams coach at your disposal telling you how to think and which plays seem the most logical. Your coach is sequestered to the stands where both you and your coach could get into loads of trouble if they attempt to coach from the bench.

-          Tennis a rarity in the sporting world for a match has no pre-assigned time limit. While other sports and sports teams enjoy the benefits of a game clock – tennis players are afforded no courtesy. In tennis, players win a match when they win a certain amount of sets – typically women need to win two, and men three – and to win a set one must win six games, winning by two. I have seen tennis matches be over in as little as 40 minutes and sometimes have them take 5 or 6 hours. Wow, to have the stamina and mental dexterity to play a game for 6 hours, must mean that you are an incredible athlete.

-          Tennis is one of the few sports that has both a men’s and women’s division where attention is shared equally. However, tennis goes one step further in that men and women have the opportunity to compete against one another in mixed doubles tennis.

-          Let’s not forget that the whole point of tennis is for one person to hit this tiny little rubber ball with a small racquet and make sure that it not only goes over the net but then that ball must fall within a certain area of the court otherwise it is out and you will lose the point.

-          The Williams Sisters – Enough said, I would not fuck with them.

These are but a few of the many glaringly obvious reasons why tennis is an actual sport – contrary to straight men world. Perhaps tennis would be viewed as a more legitimate sport if its members beat the crap out of each other on the court, or better yet members of their own family. Perhaps tennis players would be considered true athletes if they did any number of illegal drugs, or punch hookers in motel rooms, or trash their own hotel rooms. Perhaps tennis would gain more airtime if each player had a mascot or better yet they all smacked each other’s asses at the end of each game. So in the future, try not to cast judgment upon something that you are blithely unaware of as I often chose to restrain myself from stating judgmental comments upon your tastes and interests.

Love Ginger

Over the weekend, my roommates and I engaged in a time-honored social activity that has defined part of pop culture for our generation and the generation before us – bowling. Now, although I generally like the idea of bowling, I ultimately suck at it, and therefore am “over it” pretty much halfway through it. This why I need distractions like booze, fried food, and burly men handling shiny balls to distract me from my less than stellar bowling performance and keep my playing the game. The bowling alley is such a delicious and weird social psychology experiment waiting to unfold.

First of all, the names of bowling alleys always get me. We went to “Starlight Lanes” which struck me as a Sci-Fi/Fantasy porno flick. Then we walk in and the place is absolutely packed with random pockets of people – which I will go into further description later. So we had to wait for a lane and the only proper place to do that is at the bar. Now, not to make sweeping generalizations but the bartenders at bowling alleys are generally old men that have been at the bar longer than I have been alive. They treat the bar as if it were a stage at a comedy club. The patrons are usually uncomfortable and fake laugh because all they really want is their booze – and not laughing at his joke, could result in a sober evening. We waited for about 20 minutes for him to take our drink order because he was just finishing up his set with the last customer.

Our lane finally opened up, which began the grueling and often confusing ritual of bowling. I hate choosing my ball. I don't understand how to do it, I don't understand the different sizes, shapes, and holes. I walk up and down the aisle as if I had a clue as to what I was doing, trying out different balls. Ultimately I choose a ball based on (1) its color (2) if I fit my fingers in the holes (3) lifting the ball doesn't break my wrist – everything after that is just gravy.

I am what you might call an inconsistent bowler. Sometimes I'm on a roll, hurtling strikes and spares down the alley. For the most part though, I am awkwardly throwing the ball down the lane and it curves dramatically to the right and goes into the gutter. Where were the gutter rails I had grown so accustomed to in my early years – if they would have been up I would have DOMINATED. There are a few reason why I feel that I suck

1. 1. 1. I don't have a pretty & slightly gay dismount when I throw the ball. I noticed that everybody has this little jump/hop or cross-the-leg-behind-me pretty ending pose and there I am standing uncomfortably, cringing a bit waiting for the devastation of another gutter ball.

      2. I don't have those fancy bowler's gloves …. I think they are supposed to help with the wrist flicking action that you do at the end.

      3. Making anything travel in a straight line whether it be myself or a bowling ball is really difficult.

So intermittently, between the sucking, I would take a look around the bowling alley and take it all in; the ambiance of the florescent lights, the sounds of Vanilla Ice filling the air, or most importantly the clientele. Have you ever taken a second to notice the wide variety of people that come to bowling alleys? Here are a few of the groups I have divided people into.

1. The Teens Who Are Legally Barred from Doing Anything Else: There is always a group of them there. They are usually responsible for the high pitched squeals prevalent in bowling alleys. Usually this is when one of the girl knocks down a pin and is trying to impress the guy she is macking on by jumping up and down and screeching – heterosexual mating rituals sometimes elude me. This group tends to be loud and judgmental and I try to avoid being near them at all costs – I enjoyed high school but that does not mean I have any desire to go back there

2. The League Members: The townies/locals of our dear establishment. Probably have been coming to this same bowling alley for years and because they are members of a league they believe that affords them special rights, privileges, or statuses. Things like scoring, victory cheers, and fist pumping are special indicators for this group. Averaging around my dad's age – they act worse than college students I have seen at parties and I think sometimes they forget they are at a bowling alley in Reno, Nevada …. just saying. They take the “sport” of bowling way way way too seriously and take what little fun there is in the sport out of it. These are also often the people that LOVE to give amateur bowlers such as myself tips on proper technique and ways to play the game …..I bowl maybe 3 or 4 times a year … save it, cause I don't want to hear it

3. The Family Outing: My family and I never really went bowling. It could be that competition runs rampant in my dad's family thus making none of us want to engage in any activity that had a winner or a loser. However, some families enjoy heading out to the bowling alley and see it as an engaging activity for the whole family. This is fine, however I notice that sometimes it is not small children but in fact larger older adults that are enjoying a Saturday out with the rents at Starlight Lanes … I ain't judging … just saying

At least I broke 100 each game we played which is a miracle in and of itself so I was pretty ok with my performance for the night ;) I think this will be my bowling fill for a while … maybe in November I will be ready for another couple of games.