As part of my attempt to lead a general healthier lifestyle full of things like exercise and vegetables, I decided to purchase a Gazelle from Walmart. I have no particular affinity for the Gazelle, but it was the cheapest “elliptical” trainer on Walmart’s website and the reviews said it didn’t suck, so I got it – it really doesn’t take much to convince me.

After an hour and a half of strenuous labor assembling the machine, I had my very own exercise machine. At first I was elated, and then I remembered that because I now have a pseudo home gym, I no longer have any viable excuses as to why I cannot work out … dammit. Also, this freaking contraption is taking up about a ¼ of my available basement space, so I feel a need to use it.

The Gazelle took a little while for me to get used to it. Though working very similar to your average elliptical, the Gazelle has free-moving pedals – as opposed to pedals that are on a track. You can adjust your incline – by leaning forward or back - and focus on different areas of your body. Of course, without the safety and security of a track, it is harder to get into a groove and far easier for my clumsy ass self to fall off the machine.

I think it is working. Whenever I step off of the machine, I get that wobbly sensation through my legs; my muscles burning with a sense of accomplishment. I then proceed to model off my Tina Turner-like legs in my full length mirror while I hum “Proud Mary” softly to myself. However, part of me feels like the Gazelle is lulling me into a false sense of security about how many calories I am actually burning. Previously at the gym, I could burn about 1400 calories in an hour on the ellipticals – that is of course if I worked my ass off and was drenched in sweat afterward. Now, I can do about an hour on the Gazelle, supposedly burn 2500 calories, and hardly break a sweat while doing it.

Dear Gazelle, do not lie to me about the extent to which I am burning calories. I will use that figure as a model for what I will eat throughout the day. If I am in fact burning 2500 calories, then bring on my Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, Supersized, with a Diet Coke. If I am fact burning less calories than that … well I will probably still get McDonalds but would probably get a medium and feel slightly guilty afterward. Either way, as long as I am losing weight it doesn’t matter. However, if I begin to gain weight while under your guidance then I will break you apart and sell you for scraps. Kthanksbye!